I've spent a lot of time at the Lake this week -- walking, jogging, worshipping, sitting, and praying.

Its so easy to talk about God and how good He is on this blog.
Its easy to talk about missions and married life.

But to get really personal - really detailed - is sometimes hard. It's awkward.
I don't know when I'll ever feel like a grown up, but it's not today.
And it probably won't be tomorrow.

But here I am, in an grown-up situation.

I decided to share it on my blog, even though I haven't even talked about it much with the people in my every day life, for a few reasons:

[1] Because, for me, I think better when I write.
When I just talk, words come out before my brain processes and
I end up saying things that maybe I don't really feel or think.
Here, my friends, family, and strangers can see what's really on this mind of mine.

[2] Because I love a transparent blogger.  It takes courage.
But at the moment, I don't feel very courageous!

I'm about to get really transparent here.
...

In 2010, when I felt in no way ready to have children, I discovered I was pregnant. It was the most shocking experience of my life.  I was sure something was wrong, or that I had an ectopic pregnancy or something.  I really have no idea how I got to that conclusion, but I called Wade in a panic and made him come straight home.

We went to the doctor and they couldn't see anything with the ultrasound.  They told me that I had most likely had a chemical pregnancy, but that they were going to do some blood work to confirm.

It was horrible.  We left feeling so confused.

A few days later, after hounding my doctor's office, they revealed that my blood work showed that I was indeed pregnant but they wanted me to come back in.

We did another ultra sound and this time they found the baby.
We got to hear it's heartbeat at just 6 weeks.

It was so surreal.  I've always had a problem with feeling adult enough for situations and at that moment I felt like I was 12 years old on the doctor's table. I wish I could say it was so exciting in the moment, but mostly I was just shocked and scared.

looking back, I'm so glad we got to see the heart beat and get a sonogram picture.  I treasure it.

As we left the doctor's, I finally let myself get a little excited and we told our friends and family.

A week later, I miscarried.
It was the worst experience in my life and I hate that so many women have to experience it.

What was amazing, though, was the level to which it took my relationship with Wade.  We were in the hardest situation as a married couple we had been in.  We were away from home, alone.  God gave us such peace.  I almost feel bad to say that about something so horrible, but I don't think we could have handled it otherwise.  As I said in a previous post, I rested on the physical shoulder of my husband, and the proverbial shoulder of my God.

But that is not what's hard to talk about.  I've had the time to process it and am fine to tell my story.

What's hard is what I've learned in the last few weeks.

In January 2011, Wade and I decided to start trying to have a baby.  (Who knew you had to try, right?  It's not as easy as you'd think!)  I finally felt ready, adult enough, to take care of a child.

After a year with no success, I decided to talk with my doctor. He set me up for (I'm about to speak a different language to many of you) an HSG and a Progesterone test.

The HSG was not a good experience for me.  In fact, when I came out and met Wade, my exact words were, "I think I failed the test".  Come to find out, one of my fallopian tubes is mostly blocked and the other is completely blocked.  My progesterone test came back with equally disappointing results as I was much much lower than they would want me to be.

It was upon hearing this news that I started my outings to the Lake.  I needed to hear from God.  We know we want to adopt, and wondered if this was God's way of confirming that path in our lives. In all honesty, I've always thought I'd be ok if I never got pregnant, as long as I can adopt.  But the idea that I can't, that the choice isn't mine, is hard pill to swallow.

After much prayer and time spent away from the distractions of life, God gave me such a peace about the whole thing.  I don't know what will happen and that's ok. I don't have to!  What I do know is that if my utmost desire is to follow Him and glorify Him with my life, then that is exactly what is going to happen. (Hello 20 year plan!)


The thing I wasn't sure about though, was this conflict of being active in my faith, and taking things into my own hands.  Where is the line? How do I know if I've crossed it?  It was these questions that made the next part so hard.

The doctors have scheduled me for a diagnostic surgery to find out what is blocking the tubes.  I was so conflicted over whether or not to do the laproscopy (where they will see what it is and may even be able to fix it).  I had prayed for God to show me.  And He told me to just trust Him and let Him lead the way.

After some confirmations, I've decided to do it.  I am doing it because I think it is important to know what is going on medically with me, and also because if I have certain issues, it is likely my sisters will as well and I feel that it is important to gain that knowledge for us all.

I'm scared. I'm not gonna lie.
I'm scared of the surgery.
I'm scared of taking things out of God's hands.
I'm scared of what the doctors may say.

But once I stopped worrying about it, once I stopped calling the doctor every single day, things started to fall into place. I had nothing to do with scheduling this appointment.  And it was while I was leaving my Lake time with the Lord that I got the call from the doctor.

I'll be having the procedure Thursday (like in a week!)
So, I ask you to pray for me and Wade.
Pray that I won't have anxiety.
Pray for peace.



Pray for us to remain in God's will, for His will in our lives to be done with each and every step. Please pray that!  I don't want to go anywhere or do anything outside of it.
I'm diving in faith first, only God knows what's ahead
and we're going to remain open and excited to whatever it may be.


18 Comments