I struggle with insecurity.
This is nothing new.
In fact, I think most people stuggle with it.
Well, I don't know so much about guys, but I would guarentee most girls do.
I'm not talking about insecurity with the way I look, dress, or how much I weigh.
Although Satan uses those things against me too.
Let me share with you a story.
Something that happened just yesterday.
It's about 8:30 in the morning and I hear my husband come home from work (for 7 days he works nights and the other 7 he doesn't work at all). This is my favorite part of the day. I love love love to hear him coming up the stairs to wake me up with a hug and kiss. I love waking up like that.
After our ritual hug and kiss he says something about the house smelling like food. I had cooked the night before and also spent the whole previous day making 6 dozen cookies for his co-workers. I had already run 2 loads through the dishwasher with the amount of cookware I'd gone through, and hadn't unloaded the 2nd load, leaving the dinner dishes in the sink.
I do this often, and it never bothers him to my knowledge. It's something about doing chores after 7pm. It just feels wrong to me! Um, hello, that's TV time, right? ;)
Anyways, he mentions the smell and (lets remember I had just woken up) I said something to the effect of, "stop griping at me. I just woke up." He immediately said he was sorry and he would hate to be woken up that way.
He wasn't complaining, I really think he was just saying it. Because, apparently it was really bad (oops!)
Then he went downstairs while I laid in bed trying to muster the will to get up and he did the unthinkable.
He started unloading the dishwasher and washing dishes.
Most of you at this point are probably like, aww how sweet!
Well, that wasn't my reaction. I came downstairs and told him to please stop!
(backstory: you should know that Wade doesn't do dishes. It makes him gag, which I think is hilarious. In fact, I'll never forget the one time I wiped his face with faucet water. I really thought he might puke. So, when we got married we made a deal that I'd do the dishes, and he would take out the trash -- which I hate to do. Cool.)
When I heard and then saw him doing the dishes, a wave of insecurity came over at me. My reaction in begging him to stop and nearly crying must have looked like lunacy to him. But to me, he was doing the dishes because "I wouldn't, I didn't, I wasn't good enough, I failed him."
Man Satan is such a liar.
But I believed him.
Wade told me that he just wanted to help and that he was going to start helping like that more often. My anxiety only rose. I literally was having heart palpitations! I could not sit down and relax while my husband did the dishes. I wanted to cry. I wanted him to stop. I wanted to be better, be more, and for him to never have to pick up my slack. I wanted to be perfect.
I find myself facing this insecurity often. In fact, when I take teams to Mexico, it hits me like a freight train. Anytime someone does something as small as buying food or a case of water at the grocery store, my insecurity tells me it's because they don't trust me to provide it for them. When in reality, they are only looking for a way to help and serve me.
I don't have a solution for this yet. Other than prayer and searching the scriptures for comfort. But the problem continues to arise.
Why do we suffer such insecurities? (I say we because I'm too insecure to say "I")
About a year or so ago, someone pointed out to me that those thoughts were just Satan lying to me. I am now able to point it out and call him out for his lies and manipulation, but that usually comes after the near anxiety attacks and, more often than I'd like to admit, tears of inadequacy.
In the end, I thanked my husband for what he did. And it really did feel nice to have no dishes to do that morning. I just wish I could erase the good 1/2 hour when I was sure he was implying that I was a failure! He felt so bad that this morning, when he got home from work, he woke me with two boquets of beautiful flowers.
I don't deserve him.
And I don't deserve grace.
But I thank God for both.
linking up with Casey Weigand