It came back to me in a rush - the memory of when we lost you.  Every detail played itself in my mind. I came back from my far-off state of remembering, surprised. What had brought that on? This strong sense of remembering?  As a tear slide from the corner of my mind, I thought about what time of year it had been.  The end of October. This week exactly. Three years ago. No wonder.

In grace, I forgive myself because I don't remember the exact date He took you back. And in grace, I forgive myself as I struggle to remember the exact date we realized we had you to begin with. And in grace, I find myself thanking God for the hardest experience of your mom and dad's lives - the day we said goodbye. I thank Him that we got the opportunity to see you heart beating, even if I did so in a state of complete shock.  It just plays that much more vividly in my memory, that small pulsing movement. It was the most surreal moment of my life. I thank Him for the little photo got to keep, the one of you, with the little arrow drawn to and the word, "baby."

I just want you to know that we remember.  We're thankful to God for you and for that experience, as hard and sad as it is sometimes. Because your short life changed me. It changed your dad too.  It made us closer than we had ever been - not only to each other, but to God as well. And because of you, I believe there are women who have been comforted in knowing that they aren't alone. Thank you for giving me this story to tell.

To read more about our loss and infertility story, click here. From our story, it's my hope that you see and know the God who loves and cares for you.

Oh Lord, You have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I'm far away.
You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!

How precious are your thoughts about me,
O God.
They cannot be numbered!

from Psalm 139

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